I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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