Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
