remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
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