sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
