Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
