I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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