Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
