Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I think I am morally bankrupt
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
