apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
