how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
