is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
