Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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