So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
