by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
