You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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