Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
