I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
