I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
