I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
