My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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