Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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