I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
