i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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