Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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