I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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