Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
