I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
