i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
where am i from again
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
