we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize