Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
