My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
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