just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
