Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
