My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
