He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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