Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
