I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
