the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
it's like iHOP with fire
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
