Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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