Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
