True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
