I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
