just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Randomize
