If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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