Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
