I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
