So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
