Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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