life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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