I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
