$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
It's blow job season.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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