Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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