I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
