Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
