i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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